My friend, DICK BRASIE of Boston, keeps an eye on the older folk. He says he can usually keep up with them:

65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II flight physical and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane! He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!"
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

I'm going for Sport Pilot, myself..

Thought for the day from DANNY MORTENSEN. Danny has some great days...

Fellow Ercouper, DICK HALL of Thermopolis, Wyoming, sent some of his collection to a bunch of us the other day. Dick emphasizes that he's a 'contributor,' not the 'author.' I assured him that's usually how it is with most of us:

Dick Hall: "Sorry this is a tad long, but there may be a smile or two in it for you. Enjoy!"

Maxims:

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.--- Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel.

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
The second officer says, "Damn it!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain says, "Hey, watch this!"

"In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa."--- Kurt Wien

Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?

"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."--- George Bernard Shaw

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."--- Mark Russell

When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace': "Because during World War Two, I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft, fortunately three were enemy." - Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins? - Anonymous

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed. - Anonymous

"I never liked riding in helicopters because there's a fair probability that the bottom part will get going around as fast as the top part."--- Lt. Col. John Wittenborn, USAFR.

"When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too."--- Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.

"It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure. - Dick Markgraf

"Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two." --- Paul Slattery

"I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?" --- Don Taylor

Other Maxims..

The only three things a wingman should ever say are:
1. Two's up.
2. You're on fire.
3. I'll take the ugly one.

There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one.

As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
1. Clear on the right.
2. Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
3. I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

1. As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it is right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.

2. You can't fly forever without getting killed.

3. As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..

4. Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.

5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

6. More about Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

7. The pilot is the highest form of life on earth.

8. The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

9. About check rides:
a. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the bastard out of your airplane.
b. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.

10. The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

11 The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their lives on it.

12. Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

13. It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.

14. He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands more is a fool.

15. If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow!

16. It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.

17. If you can learn how to fly as a 2nd Lt and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Maj. you will have lived a happy life.

18. Night flying:
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight.

19. One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.

20. At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!

21. The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it. Or to put it another way, when's the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?

22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

23. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the preeminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.

24. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".

25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the Natops Manual is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.

26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above).

27. The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits.

28. One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.

29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them.

30. The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward ...and wish.

Thanks, Dick..

In the "Uh-oh, wrong button" category..

Here she comes..

There she goes..

Nobody hurt, thank God.

My buddy, MITCH DAVIS of Fox News, has an ear for good aviation stories:

MD: Now I can't vouch for these..but I'd like to believe they're true.

Subject: ACTUAL IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!".

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" ---Silence---- followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

At an 'intermediate stop' on a very long cross-country ride, the Chief FA warbled to us, "If you'd like to get out and spread your legs awhile.." She was so embarrassed she never finished the sentence. All of us applauded.